Slowly waking from the dream

For a long time I have been angry. Angry at myself, angry at other people, angry at the world. I’d look for the blame in everyone else but myself. If I could make it someone else’s fault, I would. I felt like I was against the world, everyone was out to get me and I was always the victim. It makes me sad to look back two months ago and see that that was the person I had become. At what point did I decide that it was ok to blame everyone else and completely ignore the fact that something was wrong. You should of seen me picks fight with someone, I feel ashamed of myself for how I would treat people before I understood my illness. I’m not a horrible person, I think I’m a very kind and caring person but if you’d of met me a few months ago you’d think I was a moody cow who always moaned.

I no longer feel angry at both people and myself, if something annoys me rather than go off on one I take myself away from the situation completely so that I can reset. I have my calm place now that I can take myself, the beach in Byron Bay at sunset. I can close my eyes and take myself back there and feel ok.

It’s less than two weeks until I head back to the UK. The trip I have had planned for so many years is nearly over and the question what am I got to do when I come back is very present. I don’t know what I want to do with my life and it’s starting to panic me. Everyone I’ve spoken to admires the fact that I’ve taken this trip but what do I do now that it’s nearly over?

I’ve had so many people say to me ‘when I was your age I didn’t know what I wanted to do’ that might be the case but that’s not helpful! I wonder if I will have this same conversation with my children when they are my age and I wonder if my parents thought the same when they were going through this. My sister is going through her auditions for where she will be going next year, my brother is up in Chester being an estate agent and now I’m jobless and broke.

I have got rid of the anger but I’m struggling to rewire my thinking pattern. I don’t feel lost I just don’t know what to do!! I’ve talked with my parents about what are my strengths, what are my weaknesses, what type of people I’d like to work with ect and I’m left baffled. Some days I have revelations and think I’m going to do this or that but I’m like a bee. There are so many things I want to try, I change my mind so often because scared to commit to anything, worrying I’ll wake up in 30 years time doing the same thing and not remembering how I got there.

I know there’s a lot of people my age who will be going through the same thing as me. I need help, I need advice from everyone has been here, done that and got the t shirt.

I’d appreciate any help as to where I start when I get back home!

H x

Sleep

I am bracing myself. I had another shit night sleep which was full of disturbing dreams, have you ever had a dream that felt so real you woke up in tears?

I don’t think it’s any coinsedence that I feel low today. My flight to Sydney is this evening then tomorrow I fly to Queenstown. I miss home, I miss my friends and my family.

It’s so hard not to fall back into my old ways, I want to bury my head under the duvet and leave the curtains closed. I want to move on but all it takes is the smallest reminder of where my heart is. Today feels hard and I’ve only just woke up!

I just need to get through this day, maybe I’ll just sleep.

The night is alive

Once again I found myself in the cinema, this time watching Kingsman. Let me tell you, a man in a well tailored suit is like lingerie to women, between that and the trailer for 50 shades of Grey I found myself in quite a fluster!

Walking out afterward and I am immediately greeted by the heat despite it being 9pm. I head down the Main Street and find that it is completely buzzing… I also find I can’t remember where my hotel is but I pleasantly enjoy getting lost in this magical city.

Fairy lights fill the tree and buskers entertain. The streets are full of people dining Al fresco and there is a happy buzz in the air. Adelaide is a truly wonderful city, in fact shortly follows Byron Bay. I didn’t know what to expect of this city, to be honest I wanted to go to Kangaroo Island and thought I couldn’t go there and not come here.

It’s been a lovely way to finish off my tour of Australia and I’ll be gutted to leave. This country will always hold a place deep in my heart as the country that healed me. This journey has made me feel whole again, not going back to being the person I was before the clouds but into the woman I want to become. The things I want to do with my future.

What good timing that I walk into my hotel as I finish this post. I feel a bit emotional tonight, happy emotions though, emotions that I’ve been wanted to feel for such a long time now.

It’s one thing to say to someone things will get better, you’ll get there in the end but it’s another thing to feel like you’ve got there. So as my eyes well up I feel this would be a good time to sign off.

Here from Adelaide,

Good night x

Chase them down

This is my second post today but I needed to blog, it helps me feel better when I’m feeling so low.

I went to see The Theory of Everything earlier on which was fantastic, a real inspiration to see what the human mind can do. I went back to the hotel and cried, I cried until I was that exhausted I fell asleep. I woke up 3 hours later hoping that my mood had changed but it hadn’t but I’m determined not to let today be a write off.

So I’m currently sat in a restaurant with a spritzer and awaiting my linguini, I smile politely at the waiter who asks me if I’m ok and I just nod. As I sit here and look around the room I think who else is suffering? Did you know that 8/10 suffer with depression at some point in their lives. There’s about 30 people in this room, that means that 24 of us either have had or is suffering with depression right now. It’s extraordinary to think that many people have this illness.

If you’re having a shit day too take yourself out, order the special, order the dessert! Go for it, if it helps at all then do it but don’t go drowning your problems! I am having one spritzer tonight because the temptation to drink myself into submission is far too strong!

So have a happy, healthy Sunday.

H x

10 Tips When The Demons Are Knocking

I purposely decided to write this during a relapse. I’ve just lay with my head under the duvet for half an hour crying, why? Because my brain told me to. I’m taking back control so wanted to write 10 tips what you can do when you relapse.

1) Understand that this is a flaw in chemistry. Your body is not producing enough ‘happy’ hormones. This is not a flaw in your personality.

2) Get out of bed. This was the first thing I did once I stopped crying and immediately I felt so much better.

3) Have a hot shower. Close your eyes and let the negativity wash away down the drain, cleanse yourself so you can restart the day the way you want to feel and not your illness.

4) Wear something you feel good in. It’s so easy to reach for a pair of joggers and a hoody. Don’t do it! You are a beautiful person, wear your favourite top and you’ll feel great.

5) Blow dry your hair – Don’t sit there with you hair wet looking like a drowned rat! Get your style on, trust me.

6) Find people! I don’t care who it is just surround yourself with people. I did that this morning and forced myself to talk to people staying in the hostel, that way you will feel noticed and realise although you feel alone you’re not.

7) Tell someone!! One of my best friends gets a message every now and then to tell her I’m relapsing and she’ll send me a lovely message to help me get through the day. It’s important to have someone you trust who you can say – you know what today I’m not ok!

8) Go outside! I don’t care if it’s pissing it down, get your ass outside. The fresh air will do you good, go for a walk, the cinema, a show, anything! Just do something to occupy your mind.

9) Exercise. Weather it’s a walk around the block or a 15km bike ride, exercise produces endorphins which will help give your levels the boast they need.

10) Don’t allow yourself to feel this way. Now I’m being harsh but if you lie under the covers crying, your day will be shit. It doesn’t have to be, take back control of your mind and don’t let it consume you!

Even if you do anyone of these tips you’ve made a start, some days I can only open the curtains and that’s it but every time I relapse I’m getting stronger. If you’re having a shitty day or you don’t have a friend to tell then I’m telling you, you will get through this. It’s a bad day not a bad life!

Wishing you peace and happiness wherever you are in the world.

H x

Does it really matter?

Before I came out here I was already stressing about what I was going to do when I got home. I’d given up my apartment, my job, my gym, everything. I was panicking thinking oh shit what the hell am I doing?! But now as I sit with my legs dangling over a wall, the sea breeze tickling my toes I am confident that I made the right decision.

The journey so far has opened my eyes and helped me in a lot of ways. Now, when I look back and think about the stresses that seemed so huge at the time I realise they weren’t that big at all, in fact now I wouldn’t even call them stresses.

They say that travelling on your own is one of the best gifts to give to yourself and I agree. With no boyfriend, no kids, no worries back home, I believe it can enhance you as a person. When you’re on your own you have to just get shit done, yes you can have a flap and a cry on the phone to your parents but all it is is you and the problem. Facing it head on is the only way to deal with it. You are in charge of you, your money, your safety, your health, everything. It’s a vital step that I needed to take at this time in my life.

One month ago almost to this day I was crying on my friend’s shoulder on New Years Eve because I didn’t have anyone to kiss at midnight, I was so distraught that I didn’t have a partner to spend Christmas with – again, I was on the verge on checking into a nunnery. But now I realise, does it really matter? I’m 23 years old, do I need to be married right now? Do I need to start a family right now? It had completely consumed me so much that I couldn’t enjoy walking down the street without cursing a happy couple.

I believe that you need to spend time on your own to discover who you are and what you want. God knows that sounds like a cliché but I understand that now. I’m single and I’m ok about that. In fact, right now I’m thankful of that. Thankful that I haven’t got to sit and think what my boyfriend is doing or who that girl is who wrote on his Facebook wall. I’m over that shit! It’ll happen when it happens. I might meet someone walking back to the car, I might meeting someone in 5 years time, who knows but all I know is that I feel ok. I feel good right now and I encourage anyone who feels like they are stuck in a rut, afraid to take the leap of faith to do it because I can promise you with 100% that you will not regret it.

Sending you love, courage and happiness from the ocean.

H x

Table for one please

Does eating alone make you sad or make you brave? I’ve had mixed responses to this in the reactions of waiters and waitresses.

After I freshened up I did my hair and make up, I slipped on my cream summer dress which highlights my tan and I set off in search of a funky cocktail bar called Mr and Mrs G right by the river on Eagle Street Pier. There are lots of what I call sundowner bars here, the up market place the financial workers come for a cheeky Mr Swifty as my Dad calls it after work. I order a glass of Procescco and find a table by the window which overlooks the harbour and the bridge. I feel really at home in this city already, it just feels right here.

After the sun sets I move on to its adjoining restaurant called Il Centro, a place with stunning Italian menu and prices that you have to sell your liver just for the breads but I didn’t care. I have worked hard for the last 6 years and I wanted to treat myself so I order two more glasses of Processco, the bread and the duck special. I sit and look over the harbour which is now in complete darkness, nothing but the lights from the bridge and surrounding apartment buildings.

Sitting with a place setting for one surrounded by families and couples pulled on my heart strings. When I say I’m a solo traveller some people say oh my god what are you doing? And others say wow you’re so brave. I guess like beauty it is in the eye of the beholder whether or not I am brave or stupid but for the first time I feel alone.

This city is right up my street, the people, the places, everything. If I were to chose a place to live this city would be one of the top on my list and I’ve only been here for less than 6 hours. So why tonight has the fact that I’m alone effected me?

I find it hard to be surrounded by lots of people for a long period of time. I get irritated and want my own space. I am desperately trying to feel like the strong, independent woman that I want to be that doesn’t need to wait for anyone she does as she pleases so why tonight so I feel so sad?

I’m angry with my mind for playing me up again. I hope that in 6 months time when I am greeted with a situation that I can cope with it and not fall flat on my face again.

I heard a lovely quote off the new Angelina Jolie movie Unbreakable, it said

If I can take it I can make it

Simple but very effective. Everytime I relapse and I feel like I am crumbling I am one step closer to my goals of being healthy both in body and spirit.

My apologies for using this more as a diary than a blog tonight but there are people in my life, people I care about very deeply who are always there for me to give me a nudge and to show they understand whenever I do relapse. You don’t have to have lots of friends, just a small amount that you know love you even if some days you are dark and twisty!

Before I dampen everyone’s mood I bid you goodnight from Brisbane – one of the coolest places I’ve been 🙂

H x

Banks abroad = Ball ache!

I’ve arrived in Cairns and it is friggin humid! My hair went from Cher in the 70s and became Cher in the 80s within 2 minutes.

So I have had my first crises! Despite telling the bank I am travelling, naming the countries and providing dates they have decided to block me out of my own account and will not allow me access until 8am UK time. I ‘calmly’ explained to the lady that I was a young, female, solo traveller with $5 left and was there really nothing she could do for me….. She just kept saying sorry no.

What’s the point in the ‘tell us you’re going abroad’ option if they just block you out anyway! Anyone else have these problems? How do I stop it happening again… Help please!

H x

Teleporting – Is there an app for that?

With less than 6 days to go I am trying to mentally and physically prepare myself to be trapped on a steel bird for 24 hours. I hate flying. Did I mention that? I literally had to go on one of these fear of flying courses whereby they ram 200 people with irrational fears into one room and charge you £150 for it.

After finishing the course I came out with a certificate signed by Richard Branson and a new found fear from the charming lady next to me that the plane could explode and land on an island like Lost and we will all be forced to eat each other to stay alive.. Brilliant.

I have the usual things to occupy myself, iPad, book, travel books ect but 24 hours is a long time. I want to make sure that I have no opportunity to become stressed and become a pain to other passengers because I’m having a panic attack that I’m going to be forced to eat chubs sat next to me should we crash land.

Any advice for keeping sane on a long haul flight would be greatly appreciated.

Hope everyone had a wicked Christmas!

H x

I’m a bat!

I’ve been awake since 6am this morning and I had a crap night sleep filled with stress dreams!

I have a 60L rucksack and I have no idea what to take and what to leave behind. I’ve read countless amount of blogs from experienced backpackers and every time I think right I’ve nailed the final list I read another and think shit I completely forgot about that!

It’s stressing me out, do I really need to take four bikinis? I’m a hair
dryer freak.. Will I just go with it when I’m there and not care that my hair looks like Tina Turner?

Anyway if anyone has experienced it themselves and can enlighten me on the weird and wonderful things you could do with having it would be appreciated very much. I’ll be spending my travels in Australia and New Zealand as of January 3rd.

Much love 🙂